Wordy Post

I'm feeling disillusioned with self.
I know it's got much to do with the fact that after weeks of rushing sm essay (but I write very slowly) And also with the looming exams, two of which I am just refusing to think about; the mere mention of the last one is enough to send me into spasms of panic ....

But still.
I just can't quite see the point of it at the moment. I don't see the sense on investing time and effort and brain power on producing a beautiful, inspired essay when all that comes down to is this little alphabet thats your grade. And then its forgotten.
And lately I've realized that while I feel alot better about beautiful and inspired essays that doesn't mean I do better for them. And the last time I felt happy about writing an essay - meaning i felt like I genuinely cared about what I was writing - was when I wrote about "Salem Witchcraft and Abigail Willams's love turn betrayal" last time. It was so of a nice lit essay where i can write with thoughts coming in every line. This semester everything's just about meeting the deadline and handing something in. Ugh.

I've developed a really odd essay writing method. I would'nt even call it writing, it seems more like an act of compilation, oddly enough. What happens is
1. Trawl through journals and sch library, zap/borrow/copy as much material as it takes to make you feel safe
2. Read as much as you can without burning out eyeballs, type out whatever looks vaguely useful
3. Free associate and type out as much as you can possibly think of that might be vaguely relevant to essay
4. Stare at all the crap that's been typed out, think of intro, write first para.
5. Cut paste, cut paste, throw and cut paste and repeat until all the stuff that's been typed out has been reorganized

It's highly inefficient, but it almost guaranteed a coherent, if not particularly outstanding essay. It works for me... Ever since start of yr 2. Sad.

Better days must be ahead.